What have you prepared for me now?

What kind of lesson is hidden now? Is it experience? Or is it what?
I remember when I was still in my country I used to daydreaming about lots of adventures and traveling... I was living it in my subtle world. Then I planed a trip here where I am now. Ok.. That was not a surprise at all because I knew I was going. So I had no big shock at all. But that was an easy beginning of my adventures...

What was the first one... Ok. I came here and I was continueing my holiday time. I spenrt approx three weeks with my friend. Then a good person helped me to find the job. There I met an awesome much older person. We are now very good friends. It was her shift when I first came. Five in the morning... She was teaching me a new job. Then she was giving me a lift and I started talking about these things such energies and stuff.. And she saw my pentagram necklace. And after we arrived she told me: I don't know.. I just feel like I trust you. And I also trusted her. That's how it worked. Since then she helped me a lot with many things.

After some time other person suggested me to buy his car. That's what I did. Spontaniously bought a car. It was a good car. A black car. Her name was The Black Rainbow. I liked it. We were like one. But one morning after work the snow decided to melt because of the temperature and I ended up outside the road upside down. How everything happened is a different story. Only thing I can tell is that few seconds before I starded slipping I knew that this would happen. And like two seconds later a car stopped and helped me. OIn this time of the day on that road goes approximately one car in an hour. And here it is... The universe gave me the best from the worse. And I'm thankful for that. After that accident I didn't have any time to get into stress or shock or anything.. Just a calm person.. Just suggested help. Was I hurt? No... Even no scratch. After few days I took that car from 'emergency center' and drove it home. Yes, that beast was still alive. And the very moment when I very needed a car I still had it. More or less making sounds while driving I could move from one place to another.

Then the moment to deliver the car to junk yard came and I had to do it. Because fixing it here... Is pointless. People take anormous amounts of money of doing stuff and you cannot be sure if did their work professionaly. So you are suppised to throw a good little broken thing out and buy a new one. Yes.. BUY MORE. BUY. So then I decided to buy a new car. Feeling the lack of money I did it. But money does not bring me hapiness. They come they go. Ok, I do not mind. I just need them for food and electricity. No more. And the day after I've bought a car... My boss told me that from next year, from january me and 5 other colleagues will not have anything to do there for more than two moths. What are we supposed to do now? He has no ideas.

The day before I had a little breakdown as you can see in a previous post. And hi there, a change came. The Universe gave me a puzzle that I have to solve. Whether I want it or not. I need to solve it. Unless... I don't know. I was thinking that during this time while I was working in this place I had my lesson to be tought. Maybe I'm done with this chapter and another awaits? Another adventure? Another experience?
And then I started smiling.. After I figured out this thing. Than I was amazingly happy for this to happen. I'm even waiting for january just to see what I will figure out. What I will do. I'm getting excited for a new thing to happen. I'm getting my energy back. It's a difficult thing to do but I'm still learning.

Unfortunatelly... I think that one thing is only magical. And I can only have it in my subtle world of feelings. I feel that it would never come to the world of senses. I hope I'm very wrong.

Take me to the Sun

I've been always thinking that living alone would be very good and nice. And good experience. And more time to think and to make things I've always wanted to make. Meditations for example.. or lucid dreaming.. Just enjoy the silence and listen to myself. For one to adapt.. Adapting is not a problem for me at all. If I could I would sacrifice myself for others to feel happy and full of joy.. Maybe their good mood affects me too so I also feel satisfied and forget my little problems. Only if my sacrifice would change anything... I could do anything, to give anything for honesty among us, true feelings and real faces.

And now it's the forth day I've been living alone. I start feeling lonely even if I have people that I now I care for them. But usualy lots of illusions come to my head... About a perfect life with not that much things that I have now. I don't need a lot. And extra belongings that I have but I don't need just drive me crazy. Little by little. I can almost feel them sitting on my back whatever I do...

Everything I need is true things. I would be satisfied with only one only if I knew it was truly true. From the heart.

And now I'm alone, as I aways wanted. Maybe it's time to teach myself something? I'm still wondering what the Universe has prepared for me... It's been such a different lifetime for me as I have imagined I would have when I was a kid. I took so much risk, I've been brave and stepped out of my borders. Now I'm in a wide world and cannot choose where to go.. Or where to stay.

I don't need money. At all. They do not make me happy. Not at all. I just use them as other do and that's it. Maybe it's my sacrifice for others who needs it and feels so good when they get it.. Only if money would make you happy.. I would give it to you. 

Everything in this world is not as I expected. Most of the things are worse. But that's the wolrd, right? This fake world of blindness... I understand this so clear now. But I don't feel like a part of it. I'm a part of the Universe where real things happen.

And I'm alone here now... Wind makes a lot of noise and I wish it ripped my roof of. Even the flip with my car have made me laugh. Was it supposed to be funny? Or was I supposed to have a big life lesson as other keep reminding me? I still cannot understang the meaning of that accident. Maybe one day I will.

And if you would ever ask me why I am doing one thing or another, I would always have an answer. I just do not accept unconsious nonsense that people have fallen into. Everything has to have a reason. Even the smallest move. I not.. it becomes a virus and splits deep.. to your bones. Then suddenly you're a sheep.

I'm coming back to being alone. Just laying in my bed with computer on my lap. Random thoughts meterealizes by clicking little buttons. Are they supposed to become a  part of me? Or I'm just again just observing them slowly passing my conciousness? 

I don't know what touches me and what just flows from me anymore...

Is my job worth such much time making money for others? You would say that I'm also making money for myself. But I don't know if it's worth... Because it does not bring me joy. Money comes money goes. Money pass. And I still have nothing. Is it worth working so hard untill you do not hear inner you? So you could just exist? I did not choose that.. And if I'm reaching the topic about freedom... Screw that.. That's to much. How can everyone be so blind.

And I'm still here, grounding myself. Take me to the Sun. To one of those real things. And let me go or go with me. You cannot hold me. I'm radical. Everything or nothing. Either way I will be ok. Just not somewhere lost on the middle. Ok..?

It's been four months here. And I'm getting the fear of settling in the wrong place again. Work-home. Home.. Work.. How is that fun? Everything is not about it. So take me to the Sun. And let me go. Or go with me. Do not really want to be alone, I need someone. If you can handle yourself by yourself  - I congratulate you. You are a very strong person. Because it's not always I can cope with that.. With that pile of garbage that lays on me. I do not have a shovel for that... But the problem is... I know that under that thick layer of nonsense lays something. Or am I just curious. 

Take me to the Sun, show some signs in tonight's dream and go with me... Because I'm still alone.

The truth

Kelti karus, žudyti vienam kitą dėl žemių ar nesutarimų, kieno dievas geresnis, yra pasibjaurėtina. Tai visiškai necivilizuotas elgesys. Mūsų pasaulyje vis dar gaji primityvi samprata, kad didelės žuvys ryja mažąsias, bet žmonės privalo iš to išaugti.
~Jules Evans, 'Filosofija kasdienai ir kitiems pavojingiems gyvenimo atvejams', 2013.

Something is comming up

To tusen og femten.

Summer.

Hm?
Yes, hm.

AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

We have started thinking about a big new trip.

People: Odeta, Indre, me.

• Chill
• Europe
• Beaches
• Many discoveries
• Stressless (about society and stuff)
• A lot of new friends
• Long
• Loud
• Beautiful
• Teaching
• Clothes? Well, yeah, but not much attention for it.
• HD
• Free
• Places
• People
• Buildings
• History
• NATURE
• ... hopefully comming soon.

A van with a bedroom on top. A little hand made kitchen in the back and a little living room in the middle. An average suitcase for each to put our belongings. And then extra stuff what we may need:

• Torches
• Candles
• A little HD camera (for making daily videos)
• Outside chairs
• Blankets
• Stuff for making an outside fire
• Showering stuff
• Paper, pens, pencils
• Computer
• GPS
• A paper map
• Kitchen stuff
• Music
• Board games
• Plastic roof or something like that

These are very first ideas. But we are developing them and still working for new ones, ikke sant?

An idea for a van

Kai paprastumas stipriausiai įkvėpia naujai veiklai. 

Tiek daug neperskaityta, tiek nesužinota, tiek nenugyventa ir tiek dar nepajusta. 

Viskas stebima šaltom akim, stiklo apgaubty sėdima ir mąstoma. Būnama nautraliam, bet tik ne dugne. Sėdėti tykiai, eiti ramiai, nevarginant savo nervų, kurie dažniausiai būna išjudinti be reikalo, užtat jų sustabdymas kainuoja daugiau. 

Viršugalvis po stogu, žvilgsnis abejingas.

Galvoje miškai su giriom, tankumyniški krūmynai ir NEI VIENO paprasto kirmino, kuris be vargo galėtų sukelti sąmyšį tavo nervų ląstelėse.

Gilūs ir banguoti vandenynai, tikri dalykai aplink. Iš trupinių sudėtos vizijos ir po truputį užgimstantys jausmai, kurie niekuo gyvu neiškils ir per savo trumpą egzistencijos laiką niekada neplūduriuos paviršiuje.

Sistemos tikslingumo laidotuvės ir sūrių popkornų dėžutė bestebint absurdo scenas, per kurias smegenys atsisako veikti ar bandyti surasti prasmę.

Refreshing summer

This summer is like cold water to inner me and it feels so refreshing.. It washes all of the dirt that has been on me for a long time. The dirt of nonsense and stupidity.
Devilstone Fest was something that other people could envy us for. Seas of whiskey and loads of new friends. I could talk about every person that I've met there non-stop... Simply intelligent, wise and free people.

Randomly remembered things that cannot be transformed into a normal text...
• Lauri and Joona from Finland. Two little bastards. So many things we had in common.. Joona's jacket with QOTSA, his whiskey, voice of Vile Vallo and.. Truckfighters! Lauri's stories about traveling and another meet in my city. And finaly, after long sleepless nights, I can say Joona's name correctly! Credits to Lauri. ;)
• How could I ever forget the guy from Germany... Marius was his name-o. His cute face and two 'grandchildren'... The poverty has made him to sleep on the bench in the rain and to borrow some money from Lauri and Joona. Well, word 'poverty' was a joke. Wet night was caused by stuff that have been happening in his tent... So yeah, he wasn't that poor, he had a tent and had some money on his credit card BUT. But bank didn't want him to have them in his pocket... He also draws awesomely. And has remarkable skills of rolling joints! His last night stories about his trips and having fun inspired me and my other new friend to do much more than we had thought we could do...
• Nice hotel where bands have stayed and showers in it... Aaaaaghr, that feel when you live in a tent and wake up feeling even worse than homeless person and you can drive to a hotel and have a shower for only 4 lits...
• Waiting for Odeta in a parking lot next to a hotel. And my first time exploring the fish eye lense. Results shall come to Lauri's web album pretty soon I hope!
• Stoned Jesus concert... Oh, the performance was something that you couldn't forget that easy even if you tried hard. By he time we came to the concert, we felt the smell of great thing that use most people who likes desert rock. So we decided to follow this aroma and it didn't take too long to find potential users of green stuff... Still, we enjoyed observing them and, of course, the music. [I'm the mountain, Bright like the morning, Black woods....] Moving to the rhythm with our eyes closed.
• Crazy nun, the reaper deep in a forest and a black guy in white that I touched his face and put some point from there on my cheek. Oh, and a chicken Peter Griffin.
• Breakfast in bed, mothafucka!! Pagis, our new friend woke us up with 2 chocolate bars and some pomegranate juice. There also were few candidates in waking us up, but Pagis showed the class.
• Smuggling, bwhahaha!

mkay...

Viskas taip lengvai lūžta... Viskas taip trapu... Gali atrodyti kiek nori stipru, reikia tik tinkamo įrankio tai suskaldyti. Užtektų, rodos, ir vieno kirčio. Bet dažniausiai prireikia viso gyvenimo. Viso gyvenimo apgavysčių, melo bei naivuolių atleidimo. Bet juk jie išlošia. Energetiniame lygmenyje. O kaip mūsų dimensijoje? Atrodo, jog energijų sąveikavimas čia vyksta visiškai atvirkščiai, bet mes vis stengiamės jį paaiškinti logiškai.
Ar aš viską padariau blogai? Ar tu padarei viską blogai? Tu liepi atsiprašyti, bet nesi auka. Išsiaiškinau, jog esu auka ir vien dėl to tu save tokia laikai? Tai nėra racionalu, nes tvirčiausias yra paskutinis žingsnis. Jis lemia viską. Ir reiškia viską.

Bet tavo bukumas... Ir kaip tu, galingasis ir garbingasis, mylimas ir protingas vyre, sugebėjai parkristi prieš tokią menką būtybę... Kai tavo atžala sugeba sutriuškinti savo protų tą niekingą būtybę, o ji, iš durnumo besiraičiodama dar bando kažką pasakyti.. Tik gaila, kad nebesigirdi jos mielo ir švelnaus balselio. Gal ta didi būtybė supras..? Nors.. Jei per tiek metų nesuprato. Kodėl geros mintys tik dabar turėtų ateiti? Aha, tikrai..

Beveik susitaikiau su naujomis mintimis. Jos jau gyvena su manim, aš vos ne su jomis. Gal taip bus geriau? Gal tai turi būti, gal ši gyvenimo linija būtent ten veda? Per daug ramiai jau išbuvau. Sukrėtimai visai naudingi. Viską iškuičia, iškuičia, suverčia aukštyn kojom, paskui bent jau turiu ką veikti, kol tvarkysiuosi.. Ha, sugalvojau. Gal netvarkyt? Paliksiu viską taip. Dabar visai gerai. Pailsėsiu, galvos nebeskaudės, pasigėrėsiu gamta, o visa kita lai būna many kaip buvę. Juk sveikas protas užkonservuotas tupi ramiai sau kamputy, kai reikės, panaudosiu.

Manęs nėra

Ūkanota tyla. Štai kas man padėtų. Tyla laukuose arba toli nuo čia. Per daug mąstau, per daug viskas pinasi į vieną, tada gaunasi vienas didelis užterštas gilus upelis. Nėra nieko blaivaus, tik stipri nesąmonė. Tik aš pati galiu sau padėti, pati galiu išsigydyti savo ligos pradžią. O, kas jei ji man yra būdinga nuo tokio amžiaus..? Kai būsiu sena, liga progresuos ir baigsiu savo laimingas dienas viena. Psichiatrijos ligoninėje numalšinta vaistais. Self esteem yra minusiniame lygmenyje. Atvaizdas žiūrint į bet kurį paviršių, kuris turi sugebėjimą atspindėti fotonus, verčia nusisukti. Ten matau tik skirtingas personas, kurios niekaip tarpusavy nedera. Ne, užbaigti visko aš nenoriu. Savotiškas pasitenkinimas tai jausti, vienai mano pusei tai patinka. Kitos pusės, kurių dar begalybė, veržiasi tolyn, aukštyn. Bet nei vienoje nėra manęs. Nei vienos dalelės manęs. Nei vieno atomo su sveiku branduoliu. Manęs tiesiog nėra, yra daug visko, tačiau manęs nėra. Kur ieškoti? Kur giliau įmanoma knistis? Nėra jokio kelio, šachtos užgriuvusios neatkasamai. Nėra manęs. Dar neteko pajusti savęs nei karto. Nebent tada, kai aš ieškau dar tų pusių. Bet jų jau per daug.. Ne.. Daugiau tikrai nereikia! Reikia susitvarkyti gyvenimą,  pasimti teisingą kelią. Kurį? Kuris yra MANO, jei toks dalykas kaip 'aš' neegzistuoja šitame kūne? Tai tik kūnas su siela, su paprasta siela, kuri neturi nieko. Neturi nieko tokio, kas būtų mano. Ji gyvena kreive, kuri pakilusi ir nusileidusi vienu metu. Paprasta pilkuma, kad ir kaip aš bandyčiau ją nuspalvinti įvairiau, ką jau kalbėti apie vieną ir tą pačią spalvą, spalvą, kuri nėra pilka. Manęs nėra... Ir nebus dar ilgai. Visos įmanomos neracionalios jėgos iš manęs šaiposi. Aš gavau per daug logikos, kad jas suprasčiau, kad suprasčiau kaip jos veikia, kad galėčiau jas perprasti ir jų nepaisyti arba jų vengti. Nepriskiriu 'savęs' niekam, bet ir priskiriu visiems. Manyje pilna visko, tik ne manęs. Aš per daug įvairi, kad galėčiau būti pastovi, ypač tada, kai tą pastovumą aš dievinu. Mane nuraminti darosi vis sunkiau, man pačiai tenka dėti vis daugiau pastangų save mėgti. 

Mintyse kartais viskas tobula būna. Gal tegul taip ir lieka.. O, kad ta logika ir racionalumas dingtų iš manęs.. Žudyti dienas, ardyti save. Jei jau taip yra, tegul lieka iki galo! Jeigu jau toks pasisekimas svarbiausiame dalyke gyvenime turi atnešti bent kiek laimės..? Jeigu tai turi suteikti vilties ir valios laukti..?

Shizo............

Emptyness and all of the thing feels the same

Emptyness and all of te things feels the same. Everything and nothing.
''You say you've found your way but does it lead to the light?''
''Some feels the pain in a chest, is it possible to be a heart?''
(Some lines from that song)

Few moments of happiness. When they end they remind me that I'm still alive and can still feel. My way is not related with that feel, that good feel of happiness.
People say I'm pure evil, I'm angry and mad all of the time. I can't deny. When here's nothing that brings me joy...