What have you prepared for me now?

What kind of lesson is hidden now? Is it experience? Or is it what?
I remember when I was still in my country I used to daydreaming about lots of adventures and traveling... I was living it in my subtle world. Then I planed a trip here where I am now. Ok.. That was not a surprise at all because I knew I was going. So I had no big shock at all. But that was an easy beginning of my adventures...

What was the first one... Ok. I came here and I was continueing my holiday time. I spenrt approx three weeks with my friend. Then a good person helped me to find the job. There I met an awesome much older person. We are now very good friends. It was her shift when I first came. Five in the morning... She was teaching me a new job. Then she was giving me a lift and I started talking about these things such energies and stuff.. And she saw my pentagram necklace. And after we arrived she told me: I don't know.. I just feel like I trust you. And I also trusted her. That's how it worked. Since then she helped me a lot with many things.

After some time other person suggested me to buy his car. That's what I did. Spontaniously bought a car. It was a good car. A black car. Her name was The Black Rainbow. I liked it. We were like one. But one morning after work the snow decided to melt because of the temperature and I ended up outside the road upside down. How everything happened is a different story. Only thing I can tell is that few seconds before I starded slipping I knew that this would happen. And like two seconds later a car stopped and helped me. OIn this time of the day on that road goes approximately one car in an hour. And here it is... The universe gave me the best from the worse. And I'm thankful for that. After that accident I didn't have any time to get into stress or shock or anything.. Just a calm person.. Just suggested help. Was I hurt? No... Even no scratch. After few days I took that car from 'emergency center' and drove it home. Yes, that beast was still alive. And the very moment when I very needed a car I still had it. More or less making sounds while driving I could move from one place to another.

Then the moment to deliver the car to junk yard came and I had to do it. Because fixing it here... Is pointless. People take anormous amounts of money of doing stuff and you cannot be sure if did their work professionaly. So you are suppised to throw a good little broken thing out and buy a new one. Yes.. BUY MORE. BUY. So then I decided to buy a new car. Feeling the lack of money I did it. But money does not bring me hapiness. They come they go. Ok, I do not mind. I just need them for food and electricity. No more. And the day after I've bought a car... My boss told me that from next year, from january me and 5 other colleagues will not have anything to do there for more than two moths. What are we supposed to do now? He has no ideas.

The day before I had a little breakdown as you can see in a previous post. And hi there, a change came. The Universe gave me a puzzle that I have to solve. Whether I want it or not. I need to solve it. Unless... I don't know. I was thinking that during this time while I was working in this place I had my lesson to be tought. Maybe I'm done with this chapter and another awaits? Another adventure? Another experience?
And then I started smiling.. After I figured out this thing. Than I was amazingly happy for this to happen. I'm even waiting for january just to see what I will figure out. What I will do. I'm getting excited for a new thing to happen. I'm getting my energy back. It's a difficult thing to do but I'm still learning.

Unfortunatelly... I think that one thing is only magical. And I can only have it in my subtle world of feelings. I feel that it would never come to the world of senses. I hope I'm very wrong.

Take me to the Sun

I've been always thinking that living alone would be very good and nice. And good experience. And more time to think and to make things I've always wanted to make. Meditations for example.. or lucid dreaming.. Just enjoy the silence and listen to myself. For one to adapt.. Adapting is not a problem for me at all. If I could I would sacrifice myself for others to feel happy and full of joy.. Maybe their good mood affects me too so I also feel satisfied and forget my little problems. Only if my sacrifice would change anything... I could do anything, to give anything for honesty among us, true feelings and real faces.

And now it's the forth day I've been living alone. I start feeling lonely even if I have people that I now I care for them. But usualy lots of illusions come to my head... About a perfect life with not that much things that I have now. I don't need a lot. And extra belongings that I have but I don't need just drive me crazy. Little by little. I can almost feel them sitting on my back whatever I do...

Everything I need is true things. I would be satisfied with only one only if I knew it was truly true. From the heart.

And now I'm alone, as I aways wanted. Maybe it's time to teach myself something? I'm still wondering what the Universe has prepared for me... It's been such a different lifetime for me as I have imagined I would have when I was a kid. I took so much risk, I've been brave and stepped out of my borders. Now I'm in a wide world and cannot choose where to go.. Or where to stay.

I don't need money. At all. They do not make me happy. Not at all. I just use them as other do and that's it. Maybe it's my sacrifice for others who needs it and feels so good when they get it.. Only if money would make you happy.. I would give it to you. 

Everything in this world is not as I expected. Most of the things are worse. But that's the wolrd, right? This fake world of blindness... I understand this so clear now. But I don't feel like a part of it. I'm a part of the Universe where real things happen.

And I'm alone here now... Wind makes a lot of noise and I wish it ripped my roof of. Even the flip with my car have made me laugh. Was it supposed to be funny? Or was I supposed to have a big life lesson as other keep reminding me? I still cannot understang the meaning of that accident. Maybe one day I will.

And if you would ever ask me why I am doing one thing or another, I would always have an answer. I just do not accept unconsious nonsense that people have fallen into. Everything has to have a reason. Even the smallest move. I not.. it becomes a virus and splits deep.. to your bones. Then suddenly you're a sheep.

I'm coming back to being alone. Just laying in my bed with computer on my lap. Random thoughts meterealizes by clicking little buttons. Are they supposed to become a  part of me? Or I'm just again just observing them slowly passing my conciousness? 

I don't know what touches me and what just flows from me anymore...

Is my job worth such much time making money for others? You would say that I'm also making money for myself. But I don't know if it's worth... Because it does not bring me joy. Money comes money goes. Money pass. And I still have nothing. Is it worth working so hard untill you do not hear inner you? So you could just exist? I did not choose that.. And if I'm reaching the topic about freedom... Screw that.. That's to much. How can everyone be so blind.

And I'm still here, grounding myself. Take me to the Sun. To one of those real things. And let me go or go with me. You cannot hold me. I'm radical. Everything or nothing. Either way I will be ok. Just not somewhere lost on the middle. Ok..?

It's been four months here. And I'm getting the fear of settling in the wrong place again. Work-home. Home.. Work.. How is that fun? Everything is not about it. So take me to the Sun. And let me go. Or go with me. Do not really want to be alone, I need someone. If you can handle yourself by yourself  - I congratulate you. You are a very strong person. Because it's not always I can cope with that.. With that pile of garbage that lays on me. I do not have a shovel for that... But the problem is... I know that under that thick layer of nonsense lays something. Or am I just curious. 

Take me to the Sun, show some signs in tonight's dream and go with me... Because I'm still alone.

The truth

Kelti karus, žudyti vienam kitą dėl žemių ar nesutarimų, kieno dievas geresnis, yra pasibjaurėtina. Tai visiškai necivilizuotas elgesys. Mūsų pasaulyje vis dar gaji primityvi samprata, kad didelės žuvys ryja mažąsias, bet žmonės privalo iš to išaugti.
~Jules Evans, 'Filosofija kasdienai ir kitiems pavojingiems gyvenimo atvejams', 2013.

Something is comming up

To tusen og femten.

Summer.

Hm?
Yes, hm.

AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

We have started thinking about a big new trip.

People: Odeta, Indre, me.

• Chill
• Europe
• Beaches
• Many discoveries
• Stressless (about society and stuff)
• A lot of new friends
• Long
• Loud
• Beautiful
• Teaching
• Clothes? Well, yeah, but not much attention for it.
• HD
• Free
• Places
• People
• Buildings
• History
• NATURE
• ... hopefully comming soon.

A van with a bedroom on top. A little hand made kitchen in the back and a little living room in the middle. An average suitcase for each to put our belongings. And then extra stuff what we may need:

• Torches
• Candles
• A little HD camera (for making daily videos)
• Outside chairs
• Blankets
• Stuff for making an outside fire
• Showering stuff
• Paper, pens, pencils
• Computer
• GPS
• A paper map
• Kitchen stuff
• Music
• Board games
• Plastic roof or something like that

These are very first ideas. But we are developing them and still working for new ones, ikke sant?

An idea for a van

Kai paprastumas stipriausiai įkvėpia naujai veiklai. 

Tiek daug neperskaityta, tiek nesužinota, tiek nenugyventa ir tiek dar nepajusta. 

Viskas stebima šaltom akim, stiklo apgaubty sėdima ir mąstoma. Būnama nautraliam, bet tik ne dugne. Sėdėti tykiai, eiti ramiai, nevarginant savo nervų, kurie dažniausiai būna išjudinti be reikalo, užtat jų sustabdymas kainuoja daugiau. 

Viršugalvis po stogu, žvilgsnis abejingas.

Galvoje miškai su giriom, tankumyniški krūmynai ir NEI VIENO paprasto kirmino, kuris be vargo galėtų sukelti sąmyšį tavo nervų ląstelėse.

Gilūs ir banguoti vandenynai, tikri dalykai aplink. Iš trupinių sudėtos vizijos ir po truputį užgimstantys jausmai, kurie niekuo gyvu neiškils ir per savo trumpą egzistencijos laiką niekada neplūduriuos paviršiuje.

Sistemos tikslingumo laidotuvės ir sūrių popkornų dėžutė bestebint absurdo scenas, per kurias smegenys atsisako veikti ar bandyti surasti prasmę.

Refreshing summer

This summer is like cold water to inner me and it feels so refreshing.. It washes all of the dirt that has been on me for a long time. The dirt of nonsense and stupidity.
Devilstone Fest was something that other people could envy us for. Seas of whiskey and loads of new friends. I could talk about every person that I've met there non-stop... Simply intelligent, wise and free people.

Randomly remembered things that cannot be transformed into a normal text...
• Lauri and Joona from Finland. Two little bastards. So many things we had in common.. Joona's jacket with QOTSA, his whiskey, voice of Vile Vallo and.. Truckfighters! Lauri's stories about traveling and another meet in my city. And finaly, after long sleepless nights, I can say Joona's name correctly! Credits to Lauri. ;)
• How could I ever forget the guy from Germany... Marius was his name-o. His cute face and two 'grandchildren'... The poverty has made him to sleep on the bench in the rain and to borrow some money from Lauri and Joona. Well, word 'poverty' was a joke. Wet night was caused by stuff that have been happening in his tent... So yeah, he wasn't that poor, he had a tent and had some money on his credit card BUT. But bank didn't want him to have them in his pocket... He also draws awesomely. And has remarkable skills of rolling joints! His last night stories about his trips and having fun inspired me and my other new friend to do much more than we had thought we could do...
• Nice hotel where bands have stayed and showers in it... Aaaaaghr, that feel when you live in a tent and wake up feeling even worse than homeless person and you can drive to a hotel and have a shower for only 4 lits...
• Waiting for Odeta in a parking lot next to a hotel. And my first time exploring the fish eye lense. Results shall come to Lauri's web album pretty soon I hope!
• Stoned Jesus concert... Oh, the performance was something that you couldn't forget that easy even if you tried hard. By he time we came to the concert, we felt the smell of great thing that use most people who likes desert rock. So we decided to follow this aroma and it didn't take too long to find potential users of green stuff... Still, we enjoyed observing them and, of course, the music. [I'm the mountain, Bright like the morning, Black woods....] Moving to the rhythm with our eyes closed.
• Crazy nun, the reaper deep in a forest and a black guy in white that I touched his face and put some point from there on my cheek. Oh, and a chicken Peter Griffin.
• Breakfast in bed, mothafucka!! Pagis, our new friend woke us up with 2 chocolate bars and some pomegranate juice. There also were few candidates in waking us up, but Pagis showed the class.
• Smuggling, bwhahaha!

mkay...

Viskas taip lengvai lūžta... Viskas taip trapu... Gali atrodyti kiek nori stipru, reikia tik tinkamo įrankio tai suskaldyti. Užtektų, rodos, ir vieno kirčio. Bet dažniausiai prireikia viso gyvenimo. Viso gyvenimo apgavysčių, melo bei naivuolių atleidimo. Bet juk jie išlošia. Energetiniame lygmenyje. O kaip mūsų dimensijoje? Atrodo, jog energijų sąveikavimas čia vyksta visiškai atvirkščiai, bet mes vis stengiamės jį paaiškinti logiškai.
Ar aš viską padariau blogai? Ar tu padarei viską blogai? Tu liepi atsiprašyti, bet nesi auka. Išsiaiškinau, jog esu auka ir vien dėl to tu save tokia laikai? Tai nėra racionalu, nes tvirčiausias yra paskutinis žingsnis. Jis lemia viską. Ir reiškia viską.

Bet tavo bukumas... Ir kaip tu, galingasis ir garbingasis, mylimas ir protingas vyre, sugebėjai parkristi prieš tokią menką būtybę... Kai tavo atžala sugeba sutriuškinti savo protų tą niekingą būtybę, o ji, iš durnumo besiraičiodama dar bando kažką pasakyti.. Tik gaila, kad nebesigirdi jos mielo ir švelnaus balselio. Gal ta didi būtybė supras..? Nors.. Jei per tiek metų nesuprato. Kodėl geros mintys tik dabar turėtų ateiti? Aha, tikrai..

Beveik susitaikiau su naujomis mintimis. Jos jau gyvena su manim, aš vos ne su jomis. Gal taip bus geriau? Gal tai turi būti, gal ši gyvenimo linija būtent ten veda? Per daug ramiai jau išbuvau. Sukrėtimai visai naudingi. Viską iškuičia, iškuičia, suverčia aukštyn kojom, paskui bent jau turiu ką veikti, kol tvarkysiuosi.. Ha, sugalvojau. Gal netvarkyt? Paliksiu viską taip. Dabar visai gerai. Pailsėsiu, galvos nebeskaudės, pasigėrėsiu gamta, o visa kita lai būna many kaip buvę. Juk sveikas protas užkonservuotas tupi ramiai sau kamputy, kai reikės, panaudosiu.

Manęs nėra

Ūkanota tyla. Štai kas man padėtų. Tyla laukuose arba toli nuo čia. Per daug mąstau, per daug viskas pinasi į vieną, tada gaunasi vienas didelis užterštas gilus upelis. Nėra nieko blaivaus, tik stipri nesąmonė. Tik aš pati galiu sau padėti, pati galiu išsigydyti savo ligos pradžią. O, kas jei ji man yra būdinga nuo tokio amžiaus..? Kai būsiu sena, liga progresuos ir baigsiu savo laimingas dienas viena. Psichiatrijos ligoninėje numalšinta vaistais. Self esteem yra minusiniame lygmenyje. Atvaizdas žiūrint į bet kurį paviršių, kuris turi sugebėjimą atspindėti fotonus, verčia nusisukti. Ten matau tik skirtingas personas, kurios niekaip tarpusavy nedera. Ne, užbaigti visko aš nenoriu. Savotiškas pasitenkinimas tai jausti, vienai mano pusei tai patinka. Kitos pusės, kurių dar begalybė, veržiasi tolyn, aukštyn. Bet nei vienoje nėra manęs. Nei vienos dalelės manęs. Nei vieno atomo su sveiku branduoliu. Manęs tiesiog nėra, yra daug visko, tačiau manęs nėra. Kur ieškoti? Kur giliau įmanoma knistis? Nėra jokio kelio, šachtos užgriuvusios neatkasamai. Nėra manęs. Dar neteko pajusti savęs nei karto. Nebent tada, kai aš ieškau dar tų pusių. Bet jų jau per daug.. Ne.. Daugiau tikrai nereikia! Reikia susitvarkyti gyvenimą,  pasimti teisingą kelią. Kurį? Kuris yra MANO, jei toks dalykas kaip 'aš' neegzistuoja šitame kūne? Tai tik kūnas su siela, su paprasta siela, kuri neturi nieko. Neturi nieko tokio, kas būtų mano. Ji gyvena kreive, kuri pakilusi ir nusileidusi vienu metu. Paprasta pilkuma, kad ir kaip aš bandyčiau ją nuspalvinti įvairiau, ką jau kalbėti apie vieną ir tą pačią spalvą, spalvą, kuri nėra pilka. Manęs nėra... Ir nebus dar ilgai. Visos įmanomos neracionalios jėgos iš manęs šaiposi. Aš gavau per daug logikos, kad jas suprasčiau, kad suprasčiau kaip jos veikia, kad galėčiau jas perprasti ir jų nepaisyti arba jų vengti. Nepriskiriu 'savęs' niekam, bet ir priskiriu visiems. Manyje pilna visko, tik ne manęs. Aš per daug įvairi, kad galėčiau būti pastovi, ypač tada, kai tą pastovumą aš dievinu. Mane nuraminti darosi vis sunkiau, man pačiai tenka dėti vis daugiau pastangų save mėgti. 

Mintyse kartais viskas tobula būna. Gal tegul taip ir lieka.. O, kad ta logika ir racionalumas dingtų iš manęs.. Žudyti dienas, ardyti save. Jei jau taip yra, tegul lieka iki galo! Jeigu jau toks pasisekimas svarbiausiame dalyke gyvenime turi atnešti bent kiek laimės..? Jeigu tai turi suteikti vilties ir valios laukti..?

Shizo............

Emptyness and all of the thing feels the same

Emptyness and all of te things feels the same. Everything and nothing.
''You say you've found your way but does it lead to the light?''
''Some feels the pain in a chest, is it possible to be a heart?''
(Some lines from that song)

Few moments of happiness. When they end they remind me that I'm still alive and can still feel. My way is not related with that feel, that good feel of happiness.
People say I'm pure evil, I'm angry and mad all of the time. I can't deny. When here's nothing that brings me joy...

Remember remember the 12th of December...

Happened a lot today. All the things that always happen

expressing myself. or how to do this

I thought I knew people. I thought I read their faces. Well, I still do. But have experienced the other kind of them. It's two-faced people who shows or changes their face when you have been doing with them well for a long time... When you thought you knew them so good...
After that realisation I felt amazed, surprised and confused. I couldn't believe I had two close friends and then they just.. They turned against me.. I felt weak because I couldn't read them anymore, they've  left  another mystery for me to handle, another shitty secret alone but that quest was too easy for me. I've already known the answer. FAGGOTS.

That boredom.. Boredom again.. I have no interest in living. I think that the time I spend everyday has to be useful, entertaining and interesting. But when I come back home, another website is opened, another song is listened to clean my soul a bit and then again.. NOTHING. When people ask me like 'sup?' I can definitelly say 'nothing much' without telling any lie. Becouse nothing is ever UP here. I try to educate myself in subjects I like a lot but I know that books and other stuff like education destroys human's creativity power. I can't say I'm very creative. But I feel that something inside me wants to get out and longer I wait faster it goes to the level of bursting. I feel like my arms, legs and mouth are in jail,  like I have to do things that everyone does just to guarantee (tried to make this word look very sarcastic) my place in society. Reading something that other people have written.. It's like wtf for me. I like it my way. I like to think, argue with myself without reading their thoughts, their opinions especially when I don't agree with them. That way society put themselves in fucking plastic frames which can be melted with any other opinion and can be changed so easily in that way.. Moreover, people don't think they're in frames, they think they're educated, fucking smart asses. But sorry, mates, smart asses were/are authors and philosophers who wrote stuff and they thought they were right. And they are right becouse they thought like that. I'd better do my things than absorb other's. I create but not building myself from other's ideologies.
Crapp I forgot what I wanted  to say. Wait, I don't even know what I want to say. I just feel and that feeling cannot be expressed in any language (so it's not becouse of my english skills, don't worry).

I'm into music now

A first song that I created. Yeah, now I'm into music. Well. I was before but not that much as now. I didn't enjoy the task I had to do during the lesson so I write an impulsive text that I could interpret it to a song. It should be performed like light stoner rock or shoegaze. Just need some melody. But it's going to be later, when I get more skills at my electric guitar.

Go outside, see nothing
Run Straight forward into sea
That brightness burns my skin.

My weightless body
Sinks in sand
Leaving everything above me

Feathers in the air
And I am one of them
Getting high as they are
Falling slow like they do

These cliffs of chalk
Are on my way again
But I'm a feather
Getting high, falling down.

Blinded of brightness
Warmth from the sand
Flying up to the sky
Disappearing in Sun

When thinking reaches the 4th demension

I remember movies about apocalypses and stuff, where is no electricity, no police, no vechicles. Absolute silence and darkness at night. Increasing level of crime and violence. Also I know what Mayans have predicted many years ago. If they were right, Earth and all the people who are alive are going to face these things. Electricity may be cut off for 3 months or so since around December 21st. Well.. If it has to be done.. Let it happen. Many of human beings have deserved to be sentenced that way becouse of their thoughts and actions. Maybe then they would realise something, that there is some other power, that their plastic world excists in other, the real World, a world of nature, other people, animals, the certainty. Also it'd be a great opportunity for other to take some rest, to learn something and get rid of addicion of computers or the Internet.
My biggest problem is that I THINK TOO MUCH.

Ocean of sand and the desert of water

Illuminated desert. Colour is so pure, surface is so soft, felling is so deep and so warm. Lying on erratic graves of love, melancholy and light. Magnifique ocean lies beside me and I'm not afraid of depth anymore, I can exlore these waters, transforming the worst nightmare to a pure dream. Flowing towards the 3rd demention with tears in the eyes which tells about that perfect warmth and sense of freedom whenever I go.

But I'm here, on the Earth, argueing with the pain and lie, trying to save my heart from piercing by sadness sword, bewaring nonsense and keeping myself close to the fire. 

Further, in woods, tight pieces of sun are watching me, forcing my eyes to look at themselves over and over again. I exhale these last spatters of smoke and enjoy sounds of a soul. It seems to be singing. Long shadows, walls made of stone will protect me. 

Just.. come here.. I am still waiting ~

New things are old things

You find something good by surprise, always, couse if you want to get some good new shit in your head you try to do that quick and anything that has a bit of goodness can easily get a part of you ( I thing this is how commercials work).

Old good things disapear, new things stay for a bit until they get old and also disapears. This is a story of my. I can't find myself. I've been looking for this for a really long time. In the past I used to think that it's impossible not to find yourself, not to understand yourself.. But here I am - standing on my own old minds, convincing myself that I was wrong. I'm on that crossroad, in the middle of a desert of Nevada and thinking which way to go - the previous one or to be something or someone on the other road, or  turn in different way that haven't been examined or tried. Live for yourself or live for someone else. My main feel of this time is shame. Shame on me and 'persons' I was before. I want to kill them. They're sick. And thanks god he gave me enough brain to understand, to stop just in time. Well, almost. 

Insanity

you wanna  move - there's no motion

you wanna smile - but there's no emotion!

you want to stand up, but lava surounds you

you want to insist, but let's just fuck this

(O. correction)

Lost here forever

Wasting time for my own sake is awesome. Feeling that carelessness and amazingness all around me.. Friends, spare time, perfect weather, music, beer and cigarettes makes a piece of paradise.

But the days when I'm lacking one of them.. Well, we can despite cigarettes becouse they're not the thing that I can't live without. Nor beer is. They just bring me some comfort. 

And I live in tomorrow. Yesterday I thought that tomorrow was the first day of summer, bet appearently it's just tomorrow, the day after another looking from yesterday. 

I don't wanna be lost here forever. And I told to myself that I wouldn't. I won't find any difficulties in leaving this place.
I need summer.. I need news from Norway.. I can't live in this lack of good news forever. Becouse here's enough of bad news. I don't think that God and fate can make fun of me that much. Or do they? I can't give up, I can change their decisions, but when I'm not an adult, I feel so weak.. And why people think that teens from 16 to 17 years old are so far from majority? It shows that they're looking not at a person, but the fucking law and god damned system. And they make us to obey.
And I want a bass guitar. So bad. I need this. Or accustic guitar first. But no, I don't want to be like these 'attractive' ones with no life nor society but guitar. I want to express myself as many ways as possible. I even started to draw, but not the things that I see in my imagination. I'm copying. But that isn't bad, I'm just getting skills.
And I forgot to say something. Yeah, a thing that really makes me free from everything (like I wasn't before :D). It's school. IT'S COMPLETELY DONE! I have only 1 year left on this thing. But this one year is going to be the best I could have ever had. That's it. Hello, Cleveland!

And along comes Mary.. mary, mary...

Hello. Goodbye. What is between them? Hellye?

That waiting, that solicitude.. Cmoon, does it need to take that long? Why..? What is happening? 
But ok. I'm getting full of patience. I'm becoming patient, yes. 
Hm.. What di I do when I wait? I do all the stuff that I had planned times ago. Here I am..

The storm was chasing and I was on a trip. It was quite wet but interesting. Not becouse of object we visited, but stuff that was happening in my head. First, I had a camera. Second, We were traveling ( I love traveling. You know.). Imagination - that was the third. Yeah, we were traveling over our country, but I was somewhere else. I was far away actually. Music and picture taking took me there, somewhere. Oh, the power of imaginaton and music.. It is so strong that I can't even. And a thing that I didn't like about the trip was people that I was traveling with. Oh well... I'd rather travel in my minds.

Save me, save me, 

From the darkest thoughts in my head

Hold me, hold me, 

Till everyone's on this Earth is dead..

Covered by blood snow is melting again

And my heart is again pierced with pain.

So me at the moment..

Die alone, die alone.. Feel no pain, becouse agony before death is too mainstream. Or simply no one will find me in my world, no one will show any interest of my surroundings, no one will ever dream about me. Heh.. I used to be the wrong persons all my time, but some people liked me. But I haven't feel myself at all. Now I do. A little, but I do. And then.. I became the most successful woman in the world. Successful.. Yes... Sure... Successful... I don't even know what success mean! So hopeless person.. Well. I have to survive. And wait for someone/something. When that something seems like that miracle, it goes somewhere else, far away from me. Cmon, feel free to run away.

Truputis ramybės - ir vėl nežinojimas kuo būt. Savimi - per daug neįdomu ir nuobodu. Kažkuo kitu - per lėkšta ir šlykštu. Vėl kamuoja nuotykių troškimai, noras pakeisti aplinką. Bent kiek. Tas pačias senas vietas galva sugeba paversti  visiškai naujas, su keliais idealais, tačiau neatmeta nepanaikina niekaip to beviltiškumo jausmo. Bad luck everywhere... Negaliu sakyti, kad ta bad luck reiškiasi visame kame. Nejaučiu, jog ji mane stalkintų all day everyday, tačiau ji niekada nepamiršta užsukti pas mane, kai aplink vyksta rimti dalykai. Ir bėda dar yra ta, kad jos neįmanoma įgnoruot.
I cannot be like others, can't even look at stupid bitches that are dressed up theirselves like barbies or flowers or stuff. I'm totally oposite. Now guess, who cares? Who notices my efforts of being different, of being me? No one. You're right. Becouse everyone is 'different', everyone is 'weird'.

17

Fellin' so wasted.. feelin' so goooodd~

This is not normal

The moon is a bit over the buildings, over the horizon. My minds are somewhere here. The boundless starry sky is above  me again. My minds are a bit further than they were before. Music, moon and sky. My minds are somewhere there~ I miss my feelings. But only one thing that can reach that string is.. words that I heard. I can't get used to them. I can't loose my hope not to be lonely. But I guess It's my fate, to be with someone I don't like. Doesn't matter how hard I could try or wait silently sitting on my butt, nothing changes. People that I like are far away.. Not even practically. No one will like me if like them. I can cry, cry again, stay calm, don't give a fuck, be myself or be someone else.. I won't be happy.
Happiness is being with people that you can talk with about same interests, being with people that won't ever turn against you or do something to hurt you. Music is also a very important part of happiness. It helps to figure out some things, brings some good ideas to solve one or another problem. But being with people, spending your spare time with them, doing  things that are as crazy as you are, sharing information that is interesting to all of you is impossible to me... Yes, my only way to happiness is music.. It's the thing that doesn't belong to anyone else, you can reach it anywhere. But when I see people who have always been by my side are now talking behind my back.. Damn, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Then I start thinking - there were a lot signs which were trying to warn me that we were no fit to each other, even if we pretended being friends. Being best friends.. Since our childhood~ But you just can't stop pretending, you are totally used to it! Becouse you were doing this since .. Since a long time ago.
I have never thought about that. Not until few months ago. I didn't care about that, but now I'm realising that I'm so lonely.. No true friends around. Only few acquaintances. One real friend is literally far away.
Okay. Texting all day, asking what is up, sharing information than connects us both, he is opposite
 sex than I am, 
he is handsome, has all the qualities that I like. 
And this person is totally inaccessible. I could try to get more his attention, but I just can't seem 
pesky and pathetic 
to anyone. EVEN WHEN I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE AT STUFF LIKE THAT! 
Sometimes I have a feeling that is some kind of curse. Becouse that 'inaccessible man' thing 
happened to my mother 
too .Hell yeah, and I want to get wasted all the time. Then I wouldn't need any real happyness, I would 
have satisfied myself easy enough. But now.. D:<

So good to be bad

Bad.. Does it mean to stand out of law or.. Stand of religion? Don't pay much attention at moral stuff or make sins? Or not giving any fucks about society?
No feelings. None of stupid things can reach that responsive string which makes you weak. What happening? Is it bad? Bad again? Some of things you believe in, makes you feel like that. Makes you strong and helps you not to be weeper. Then everything seems so easy and high, that height seems like it's on your fingertips, you can even scream. But first - you mustn't be weeper. And look from all the corners. Can't say IF possible, becouse everything is possilble, just need to desire that.
I could also say that everything is possible.. But I'd lie. Just not for me. I can want as much as I want, I can even do something to reach my goal.. You say everything is possible if you want a lot. And I know that also, but I can't live like that, I keep it just like an idea, a phrase.. I can say for others, help them with their problems if they are on their life's crossroad, but me.. I can't help for myself. I'm so hopeless.

Flame on!

I am one, one that shines

Yeah, I was born of a scorpion´s mind

I am one, so alive

Don´t try to teach me what your lips can´t decide

I´m the sun, so alive

A simple breath´s all I need to get by

Words you speak are like dirt in my mind

I´m gonna burn till all the stars die

Sup, Anarchists?

I've been searching for some thing for long time. I can't really name them, coz I don't know how. The feel, the motivation to keep on moving against the flow. And when I realised what anarchy really is, I felt that I'm a step closer to that thing which I am looking for.
Screw jerks immediately - now it's much easier. When you realise that you are the boss here, not them.
Yeah, I used to be OK with these scumbacks.. Used to ignore jerkness and other shitty things. Well.. FUCK IT! I don't care what other'd think about me or how 'unfriendly', 'uninteligent' I am. And I never did. Well.. just a little, ,but not anymore. Just no god damned more.
You motherfuckers are disguisting.

Where the hell I should spend Easter?

Btw, 80's, you'd were era of good music, be proud

Hsntorzoi, Hsntorzosi mrksil qsm dqrhrmiū.

Lonely as always and happy as never

Destroy as many as possible things witch makes you feel more away from your friend than you are right now.

They are everything you could have ever asked for... But if you have a stupid head it will fly away from you as a smoke of that stupid cigarette witch you are taking carefully one by one.

Better sit somewhere where you could feel lonely as always but happy as never and where you could get rid of these thoughts. Sit somewhere where you could freeze the time of these wonderful sunlights comming from the West. Sit somewhere where you could be happy. In your head only. Sit somewhere where your minds are not dependent on anything or anyone, where Miami's Palm Beach, New York's labyrints, Nevada's deserts, Iceland's volcanoes and Rio De Jeneiro's 'come-at-me-bro' statue belongs only to you.

That's my own medication.

Inaccessibility

you are the biggest thought in my mind

melancholiacs..

Tired of same things

Another day under black sun

changes changes everywhere

They use force to make us do what the deciders have decided you must do

Sorry, but.. 

I do what I want

And srew you if you think I'm stupid or childish

Chuck the Eagle

Finally I've got something what I have wanted for a long time

The invisible jail

Why it's so easy to fall into your dream? It's so realistic.. It makes you believe that everything is so easy and awesome, so cute and irresistible. Even when you know it's just a dream.
Need a summer, need freedom, don't need any prohibitions. And I'd be happy as hell... Dreaming would be enough, though.
As I had said some time ago, I need changes. In a good or bad way. At least I got a tattoo. That helps me!
But I dream seldom Oo

Spanking much?

Needs

My blood needs some changes

My brains needs some changes

My heart need some changes

I need plenty of changes

Hello my dears-Good bye my tears

The

FREEDOM

Is the thing

When you

Keeping calm

And do

Whatever the Fuck

You want

Being young

And wild

What ha

Hey... Why I had a dream about ya last night? That feels so strange and familiar... I wasn't free to talk to you but you were more humanish. And a day after that the feelings are the same as they were in the dream. Long and exhausting dream. There was like some kind of competition between some girls but you were such a big secret for me. I did know nothing about you, only the fact about your existance and some poppy seeds in the cigarettes (?). But when I woke up in the middle of the dream, I decided to keep going on the dream. And I did. That was so weird...

Some of things will never get old

The big hard invention

Today I realised that.. I'm hardly lonely. Yes, I haven't known that since present.
Well, congratulations me!

Lonely as water drop in the desert, as explorer in the fourth dimention, as brain cell in blonde's head, as heart in human's body, as song on the skyscraper rooftop in the middle of the night...

And I'm not just writing! I mean it... And that sucks a lot.

Good Morning, New Year

I've decided: This year is being better

Bright Weather

Christmasmas with no snow in NewYork.

In my head actually.

I have my own world

It's strange for me

But I'm exloring

Basically I want to find

Something that I like

I want to be found

And do what I want

What would make me feel

 How I feel in my dreams

soon

Poor me, that's not my job.

SOON

Self esteem

By Ryan Gee

Live free or die

Stormless

Ville y u so .. inhuman?

Va ir pasisakiau.

Nesuvokiamas malonumas turėti savo laiko, tik sau, per kurį gali užsiimti dalykais, kurie tau patinka. Klausyti tai, kas tau patinka, daryti, kas tave išreiškia ar suteikia laisvės pojūtį. Užsiimti tuo, kas priverčia tave skraidyti.
Tik neįmanoma to daryti prie kitų žmonių, nes kad ir kaip mes tai neigiame, esame per daug suvaržyti žmonės elgtis laisvai. O jei dar ir stengiesi kam nors įtikti, įsiteigti... Ir tas toks kvailas jausmas, kai į tavo pastangas nėra kreipiamas dėmesys! Bent jau toks dėmesys,kuris tau pačiam patiktų. Tada ir improvizuoti sunkiai gali, nes esi artistas iš skirtingo žanro spektaklių bei teatrų.
Improvizuoji tik būdamas vienas...

Aš nuoširdžiai nekenčiu švietimo sistemos. Tai yra pieva. Kokio velnio keisti egzaminų sudėtį, struktūrą bei užduotis ir nekeisti to dalyko programos ir sumažinti savaitinių pamokų skaičių..? Jei jie nori sukirst ant egzaminų, ypač ant anglų, jums nepavyks, šliužai jūs! Verčiat likti varganoj tėvynėj..? Prie šito apibūdinimo neapsiverčia pirštai parašyti jos pavadinimą. Dar kai mokyklose moko malti š... Kalti tie, kurie sėdi tuose smėlėtuose rūmuose Vilniuj. Tai va, jums nepavyks mūsų sukirsti ant egzaminų. Mes lietuviai, ne kvaili žmonės, užuodžiam jūsų niekingą klastą!
I'm such a bad ass.
Ir man kyla depresija į paviršių, kai negaunu to, ko noriu. Tai, ko seniai norėjau! Hint: tai žmogiškas dalykas... :l

FREEDOM

Jei manai, kad radai "gyvenimo laimę", netruksi suprasti, jog tai trumpalaikis apsvaigimas nuo kažko, kas tau patinka

Kai atsiranda jėgų savęs nebegailėti, kai džiaugiesi gyvenimu ir darai ką nori... Kai viskas gerai ir nėra jokių problemų...Kai turi daug svajonių ir tikslų, kuriuos nori savo kelyje įgyvendinti ir pasiekti.. Kai nori patirti tai, apie ką dabar tik svajoji...
Staiga supranti, kad taip niekada nebus. Nes tai per daug nerealu. Gerai niekada nebus. Norisi viską užbaigti ir niekada nepradėti iš naujo, nes visada pritrūksta jėgų siekti tikslo, užklumpančios problemos traukia tave žemyn. Kai matai nesąmones aplink, kai suaugę žmonės elgiasi kvailiau nei vaikai, kai jie yra visikai careless, dėję ant visko ir to  nepripažįsta...
Kai mama nori viską pradėti iš naujo, keisti gyvenimą, o aš neapkenčiu pokyčių ypač šeimoje! Metus jau gyvenau kitur... Visiškai kitokiom aplinkybėm... Ir mane tai varė iš proto. O sutikau vien dėl to, jog norėjau nuotykių, pokyčių... Tačiau jų neradau. Nei ten nei kitur. Jei ir keisčiau viską, tai tik žinodama, jog niekas neis blogyn ir bet kada galėsiu sugrįžti į atskaitos tašką.
Noriu viską mesti, bet principai neleidžia. Nebenoriu gadintis savo paskutinių nervų, bet priverčia. Aplinkybės. ir dažniausiai savi žmonės...
Ir kai matai kaip žmonės stengiasi dėl ko nors, o paskui patys viską taip sušika! O paskui nebežino kas darosi, nori žudytis... Tokias mintis perduoda ir tau. O tu ką - gyvenai sau laimingas, radęs laimę, pasitikintis savimi, nebeatsimenąs kada paskutinį kartą teko graudžiai verkti, dabar verki. Nes nuo tavęs niekas  nepriklauso, o tie žodžiai tik skaudina. Tada ir vėl pradedi galvoti apie tai, apie ką galvojai kai tau buvo baisiai liūdna. Nepasiekiami idealai, dalykai, kurių nori, bet negali gauti... Kai vilties vietą po truputį užima vis dažnesnės ir liūdnesnės ašaros. Ir tikrai žinai, kad bus labai sunku sugrįžti į ankstesnę katarsio būseną.
Ir veltui Dievas duoda tiek daug galimybių išsisukti sausam - pripranti prie gero ir nebežinai gerai tai ar ne. Ir kai liepia suvokti, jog tai yra blogai, niekuo gyvu nenori to pripažinti. Tada galiausiai Dievas nusprendžia duoti pamoką. Ir pagalvės nepakiša. Niekam... Duoda suprasti, kad laimingas ilgai nebūsi, kad tokio dalyko kaip "gyvenimo laimė" praktiškai nėra - ją sugalvojo išrinktieji, todėl jis egzistuoja tik teoriškai.

Steps

Tačiau dabar man reikia tatuiruotės. Tokios, kuri puikiai atspindėtų mane ir mano troškimus. Ji man reikštų šiokį tokį priartėjimą prie savo itin lengvu įgyvendinimu nepasižyminčios svajonės, žingsnį minčių link, su kuriomis spėjau susigyventi. To man reikia ir tikrai nemanau, kad gailėsiuosi. Juk kaip galima gailėtis savo kūno dalies? Piešinio, meno kūrinio, dėl kurio egzistavimo įdėta tiek daug pastangų ir triūso bei, žinoma, pinigų. Nebijau aš to skausmo. Ištvęrsiu. Bet užtat paskui kaip man gerai bus.....

Close Yet Far

or Escape from Hellview, nvm...
Nedažnai užeina noras išreikšti save kažkaip, kažkuom, bet dažnai tiesiog nėra kaip. Tokie būdai dar nesugalvoti.
Ypač tada, kai išgirsti arba pamatai tai, kas tau yra itin artima ir tuo pačiu nepatirta. Pereina šiurpas, kai supranti, kad tai tau labai daug reiškia. Tada ateina įkvėpimas... Tada, kai to mažiausiai tikiesi. Užsimanai būti tuo, kuo norėjai būti anksčiau. Atsiranda iš kažkur jėgų tuo būt. Ir pradedi nekęst pilkos masės. Tiek išverstaskūrių, tiek dviveidžių, triveidžių, n-veidžių, kaukėtųjų, veidmainių, tiek bekiaušių, tiek JŲ DUCHŲ!, gėjų, pedikų... Viso to žmonijos juodojo lopšio, kurie pagarbą vaidina esą užsitarnavę. Kurie tik verkia užuot ėmęsi veikt ką nors.
Norisi stot. Apsidairyt ir pagalvot, ką galėtum nuveikti dar, kas padėtų tau pasiekti tikslą. Kad ir smulkmenėlę - ir tu būsi arčiau savo svajonės. Paskui kad ir ką bedarytum, kad ir kaip savim bebūtum, tu eini tikslo link, svajonės galo link. Nesakau, kad būtinai svajonės išsipildymo link, nes ji gali ir neišsipildyti, nes gali stengtis per mažai. Tad būtinai turi apgalvoti ką veiksi toliau, kad vėliau nekaltintum savęs, kad per mažai įdėjai pastangų. Arba ateis 2012-ųjų galas ir tu stenkis nesistengęs. Bet man dzin, kolokas tikiu, kad viskas bus gerai ir vilties neprarasiu. Kolkas tik tai mane palaiko.

Kaip aš dievinu keistenybes! Dalykus, apie kuriuos reikia gerokai pasukt galvą. Myliu kitoniškumą, kuris pasiekia tamsiausias ir slapčiausias smegenų kerteles, kurios nėra dažnai naudojamos. Darai keisčiausius dalykus, kurie atrodo keistai normalūs.

Things may seem strange to others, are pretty normal to us.

Random thoughts about life?

Kaip sunku prisiversto tokius mažus random dalykus padaryti... Tokius kaip sukelti kam nors ką nors į flashą. Arba atsisiųsti dainą. Thanks God, kad kolkas nesunku prisiversti daryti namų darbus. Bet tai nereiškia, kad viską suprantu.. Oh well.
Umm.. Tiksliai. O kada atostogos? Kada vasaros atostogos? Kažką minėjo apie birželio 8-ą... Bet aš nenoriu tiek laukti.. :l Na, bent jau laikas greitai eina.
Vėl eisiu į fotografiją. Dievinu to kabineto kvapą ir daiktus, esančius ten. Vėl lis, vėl sėdėsiu kabinete. Vėl snigs, vėl eisiu per Laisvės Alėją. Vėl seksiu... O gal jau nebebus ką sekti? Arba nebebus reikalo sekti, gali ir taip būt. Bet visai norėčiau. Tas jausmas toks hopeless... Kai vėl svajonėse gyveni.. Aš pripratusi prie tų minčių. Ir jei dar tos dainos pradės grot, kogero susižvengsiu pagalvojus kaip visa tai hopeless ir useless.
Ir vėl, kaip ir kasdieną iki šiol, galvosiu apie Niujorką. Apie idealus ir savo gyvenimo moto. Nelabai vykęs mano moto kaip žmogui, bet kai pati esu pusiau vykęs pusiau nevykęs žmogus, tai sueina. Ir taip norisi atsipalaiduoti, būti su draugais, keep cal and do whatever the fuck I want, bet kažkas mane vis stabdo. Kad ir kaip aš sakyčiau visiem kad man viskas pochui, taip nebus niekada. Man tipo rūpi ką tėvai pasakys, kad paskui neišleis kai norėsiu kur išeit. Oh, kaip noriu greičiau pati viską spręsti! Kada išeiti ir kada grįžti, kiek pinigų pasiimti, su kuo man 'pavojinga' būti ir su kuo ne, rūkyti ar ne, gerti ar ne... Nu, tarkim suklystu. Ir kas tada? Nu ir gerai! Ką, aš savo kailiu negaliu  pajusti nieko? Žinau, aš nekenčiu kai būna kas nors negerai, kai kažkas neina pagal sviestą. Bet reikia bandyti. Reikia gyventi, reikia džiaugtis šituo šūdinu metų laiku ir daryti tai , kas tau patinka, DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, didžiuotis savo idealais, grožėtis, laukti... Taip, aš laukiu kažko, ko negaliu niekaip sulaukti. Ir nežinau ar sulauksiu. Taip, aš sulauksiu. Aš sieksiu to, ko aš laukiu, Aš sieksiu laisvės, vėjo ir nerūpestingumo. Nieko nedaryti prieš savo valią, viską daryti savo tikslo link, Amerikos link, Odetos link, draugų link, motociklų ir mašinų link, Arizona's routes link, taip, aš stengsiuosi. Aš sau tai prisiekiu. Visą laiką aš tai ir darau. Ne per daugiausiai laiko liko! Na, jis dar spės 112 kartų prailgti. Pamatysit. Bet anyways, turiu viziją. Man jos reikia, jei noriu, kad neatsibostų gyventi. O paskui tiesiog pragyventi savo gyvenimą.. Mirti sveikam gaila! Ir mielieji 2012-ieji, galite nesiskubinti, neleisiu jums ruinti savo planų, nes ne veltui aš stengiuosi dabar! Ne tam, kad pamatyčiau jūsų sušiktus sprogimus ir girdėčiau kažkias aimanas. Ne tam gyvenu!

THE PLAN

Pasiilgau Odetos.~
Anyways, susikūriau planelį. Ne, nerengiu jokios speech, or something, tai tik planas mano ateičiai, gyvenimui, lol.

1. Gilinu anglų kalbos žinias.
2. Sekančią vasarą dirbsiu Norvegijoj. Jei tėtis įsidarbins irgi ten, gyvensiu su juo mini bute.
3.12-ą klasę pabaigiu, išlaikau matkę, anglų ir lietuvių mokoyklinį.
4. Vasarą dirbu. Vėl. Tik tiek, kad mano darbymetis truks metus, iki kito rugsėjo.
5. Tuo metu, tuos metus kol dirbsiu, Odeta baigs mokyklą ir abi būsim free as wind!
6. Siunčiam paraiškas į vienodus univerus ir žiūrim kas gaunasi. Univerai arba Anglijoj, arba Olandijoj... Kur nors, kur dėsto anglų kalba.
7. Po studijų darbinuosi Amerikoj. Siekiu patekti į Niujorką ir būti puikia savo srities specialiste.

Haven't a lot to do

~School started...
~Pas mus mokykloje įdomus dalykas - pagal mainų programą atlėkė panelikė iš Amerikos. Jamie Eickemeyer. Ir ji mūsų sraute.
~Bandau būti gera mokine. Bet tinginystė laimi.
~My sister gifted me a finger ring. With American native face on it.
~Pradėjau fotografiją. Pasiilgau to jausmo ir kabineto kvapo...
~Muzika gelbėja mane.
~Kažkas ne to mokykloj.. Nors aš ir pasidariau ne baisiai išranki. Still...
~Loneliness...
~Fake apči's---
~Last days of sun.
~Draugai - - - ir nustatinėjamos eksprontu nesąmoningos ribos.
~I miss everyone I had a crush on.
~Sport. Need moar! roar.
~Basketball. Atsibodo. Bet vis dėl to sergu.
~Music.........