What have you prepared for me now?

What kind of lesson is hidden now? Is it experience? Or is it what?
I remember when I was still in my country I used to daydreaming about lots of adventures and traveling... I was living it in my subtle world. Then I planed a trip here where I am now. Ok.. That was not a surprise at all because I knew I was going. So I had no big shock at all. But that was an easy beginning of my adventures...

What was the first one... Ok. I came here and I was continueing my holiday time. I spenrt approx three weeks with my friend. Then a good person helped me to find the job. There I met an awesome much older person. We are now very good friends. It was her shift when I first came. Five in the morning... She was teaching me a new job. Then she was giving me a lift and I started talking about these things such energies and stuff.. And she saw my pentagram necklace. And after we arrived she told me: I don't know.. I just feel like I trust you. And I also trusted her. That's how it worked. Since then she helped me a lot with many things.

After some time other person suggested me to buy his car. That's what I did. Spontaniously bought a car. It was a good car. A black car. Her name was The Black Rainbow. I liked it. We were like one. But one morning after work the snow decided to melt because of the temperature and I ended up outside the road upside down. How everything happened is a different story. Only thing I can tell is that few seconds before I starded slipping I knew that this would happen. And like two seconds later a car stopped and helped me. OIn this time of the day on that road goes approximately one car in an hour. And here it is... The universe gave me the best from the worse. And I'm thankful for that. After that accident I didn't have any time to get into stress or shock or anything.. Just a calm person.. Just suggested help. Was I hurt? No... Even no scratch. After few days I took that car from 'emergency center' and drove it home. Yes, that beast was still alive. And the very moment when I very needed a car I still had it. More or less making sounds while driving I could move from one place to another.

Then the moment to deliver the car to junk yard came and I had to do it. Because fixing it here... Is pointless. People take anormous amounts of money of doing stuff and you cannot be sure if did their work professionaly. So you are suppised to throw a good little broken thing out and buy a new one. Yes.. BUY MORE. BUY. So then I decided to buy a new car. Feeling the lack of money I did it. But money does not bring me hapiness. They come they go. Ok, I do not mind. I just need them for food and electricity. No more. And the day after I've bought a car... My boss told me that from next year, from january me and 5 other colleagues will not have anything to do there for more than two moths. What are we supposed to do now? He has no ideas.

The day before I had a little breakdown as you can see in a previous post. And hi there, a change came. The Universe gave me a puzzle that I have to solve. Whether I want it or not. I need to solve it. Unless... I don't know. I was thinking that during this time while I was working in this place I had my lesson to be tought. Maybe I'm done with this chapter and another awaits? Another adventure? Another experience?
And then I started smiling.. After I figured out this thing. Than I was amazingly happy for this to happen. I'm even waiting for january just to see what I will figure out. What I will do. I'm getting excited for a new thing to happen. I'm getting my energy back. It's a difficult thing to do but I'm still learning.

Unfortunatelly... I think that one thing is only magical. And I can only have it in my subtle world of feelings. I feel that it would never come to the world of senses. I hope I'm very wrong.

Take me to the Sun

I've been always thinking that living alone would be very good and nice. And good experience. And more time to think and to make things I've always wanted to make. Meditations for example.. or lucid dreaming.. Just enjoy the silence and listen to myself. For one to adapt.. Adapting is not a problem for me at all. If I could I would sacrifice myself for others to feel happy and full of joy.. Maybe their good mood affects me too so I also feel satisfied and forget my little problems. Only if my sacrifice would change anything... I could do anything, to give anything for honesty among us, true feelings and real faces.

And now it's the forth day I've been living alone. I start feeling lonely even if I have people that I now I care for them. But usualy lots of illusions come to my head... About a perfect life with not that much things that I have now. I don't need a lot. And extra belongings that I have but I don't need just drive me crazy. Little by little. I can almost feel them sitting on my back whatever I do...

Everything I need is true things. I would be satisfied with only one only if I knew it was truly true. From the heart.

And now I'm alone, as I aways wanted. Maybe it's time to teach myself something? I'm still wondering what the Universe has prepared for me... It's been such a different lifetime for me as I have imagined I would have when I was a kid. I took so much risk, I've been brave and stepped out of my borders. Now I'm in a wide world and cannot choose where to go.. Or where to stay.

I don't need money. At all. They do not make me happy. Not at all. I just use them as other do and that's it. Maybe it's my sacrifice for others who needs it and feels so good when they get it.. Only if money would make you happy.. I would give it to you. 

Everything in this world is not as I expected. Most of the things are worse. But that's the wolrd, right? This fake world of blindness... I understand this so clear now. But I don't feel like a part of it. I'm a part of the Universe where real things happen.

And I'm alone here now... Wind makes a lot of noise and I wish it ripped my roof of. Even the flip with my car have made me laugh. Was it supposed to be funny? Or was I supposed to have a big life lesson as other keep reminding me? I still cannot understang the meaning of that accident. Maybe one day I will.

And if you would ever ask me why I am doing one thing or another, I would always have an answer. I just do not accept unconsious nonsense that people have fallen into. Everything has to have a reason. Even the smallest move. I not.. it becomes a virus and splits deep.. to your bones. Then suddenly you're a sheep.

I'm coming back to being alone. Just laying in my bed with computer on my lap. Random thoughts meterealizes by clicking little buttons. Are they supposed to become a  part of me? Or I'm just again just observing them slowly passing my conciousness? 

I don't know what touches me and what just flows from me anymore...

Is my job worth such much time making money for others? You would say that I'm also making money for myself. But I don't know if it's worth... Because it does not bring me joy. Money comes money goes. Money pass. And I still have nothing. Is it worth working so hard untill you do not hear inner you? So you could just exist? I did not choose that.. And if I'm reaching the topic about freedom... Screw that.. That's to much. How can everyone be so blind.

And I'm still here, grounding myself. Take me to the Sun. To one of those real things. And let me go or go with me. You cannot hold me. I'm radical. Everything or nothing. Either way I will be ok. Just not somewhere lost on the middle. Ok..?

It's been four months here. And I'm getting the fear of settling in the wrong place again. Work-home. Home.. Work.. How is that fun? Everything is not about it. So take me to the Sun. And let me go. Or go with me. Do not really want to be alone, I need someone. If you can handle yourself by yourself  - I congratulate you. You are a very strong person. Because it's not always I can cope with that.. With that pile of garbage that lays on me. I do not have a shovel for that... But the problem is... I know that under that thick layer of nonsense lays something. Or am I just curious. 

Take me to the Sun, show some signs in tonight's dream and go with me... Because I'm still alone.