Take me to the Sun

I've been always thinking that living alone would be very good and nice. And good experience. And more time to think and to make things I've always wanted to make. Meditations for example.. or lucid dreaming.. Just enjoy the silence and listen to myself. For one to adapt.. Adapting is not a problem for me at all. If I could I would sacrifice myself for others to feel happy and full of joy.. Maybe their good mood affects me too so I also feel satisfied and forget my little problems. Only if my sacrifice would change anything... I could do anything, to give anything for honesty among us, true feelings and real faces.

And now it's the forth day I've been living alone. I start feeling lonely even if I have people that I now I care for them. But usualy lots of illusions come to my head... About a perfect life with not that much things that I have now. I don't need a lot. And extra belongings that I have but I don't need just drive me crazy. Little by little. I can almost feel them sitting on my back whatever I do...

Everything I need is true things. I would be satisfied with only one only if I knew it was truly true. From the heart.

And now I'm alone, as I aways wanted. Maybe it's time to teach myself something? I'm still wondering what the Universe has prepared for me... It's been such a different lifetime for me as I have imagined I would have when I was a kid. I took so much risk, I've been brave and stepped out of my borders. Now I'm in a wide world and cannot choose where to go.. Or where to stay.

I don't need money. At all. They do not make me happy. Not at all. I just use them as other do and that's it. Maybe it's my sacrifice for others who needs it and feels so good when they get it.. Only if money would make you happy.. I would give it to you. 

Everything in this world is not as I expected. Most of the things are worse. But that's the wolrd, right? This fake world of blindness... I understand this so clear now. But I don't feel like a part of it. I'm a part of the Universe where real things happen.

And I'm alone here now... Wind makes a lot of noise and I wish it ripped my roof of. Even the flip with my car have made me laugh. Was it supposed to be funny? Or was I supposed to have a big life lesson as other keep reminding me? I still cannot understang the meaning of that accident. Maybe one day I will.

And if you would ever ask me why I am doing one thing or another, I would always have an answer. I just do not accept unconsious nonsense that people have fallen into. Everything has to have a reason. Even the smallest move. I not.. it becomes a virus and splits deep.. to your bones. Then suddenly you're a sheep.

I'm coming back to being alone. Just laying in my bed with computer on my lap. Random thoughts meterealizes by clicking little buttons. Are they supposed to become a  part of me? Or I'm just again just observing them slowly passing my conciousness? 

I don't know what touches me and what just flows from me anymore...

Is my job worth such much time making money for others? You would say that I'm also making money for myself. But I don't know if it's worth... Because it does not bring me joy. Money comes money goes. Money pass. And I still have nothing. Is it worth working so hard untill you do not hear inner you? So you could just exist? I did not choose that.. And if I'm reaching the topic about freedom... Screw that.. That's to much. How can everyone be so blind.

And I'm still here, grounding myself. Take me to the Sun. To one of those real things. And let me go or go with me. You cannot hold me. I'm radical. Everything or nothing. Either way I will be ok. Just not somewhere lost on the middle. Ok..?

It's been four months here. And I'm getting the fear of settling in the wrong place again. Work-home. Home.. Work.. How is that fun? Everything is not about it. So take me to the Sun. And let me go. Or go with me. Do not really want to be alone, I need someone. If you can handle yourself by yourself  - I congratulate you. You are a very strong person. Because it's not always I can cope with that.. With that pile of garbage that lays on me. I do not have a shovel for that... But the problem is... I know that under that thick layer of nonsense lays something. Or am I just curious. 

Take me to the Sun, show some signs in tonight's dream and go with me... Because I'm still alone.