Remember remember the 12th of December...

Happened a lot today. All the things that always happen

expressing myself. or how to do this

I thought I knew people. I thought I read their faces. Well, I still do. But have experienced the other kind of them. It's two-faced people who shows or changes their face when you have been doing with them well for a long time... When you thought you knew them so good...
After that realisation I felt amazed, surprised and confused. I couldn't believe I had two close friends and then they just.. They turned against me.. I felt weak because I couldn't read them anymore, they've  left  another mystery for me to handle, another shitty secret alone but that quest was too easy for me. I've already known the answer. FAGGOTS.

That boredom.. Boredom again.. I have no interest in living. I think that the time I spend everyday has to be useful, entertaining and interesting. But when I come back home, another website is opened, another song is listened to clean my soul a bit and then again.. NOTHING. When people ask me like 'sup?' I can definitelly say 'nothing much' without telling any lie. Becouse nothing is ever UP here. I try to educate myself in subjects I like a lot but I know that books and other stuff like education destroys human's creativity power. I can't say I'm very creative. But I feel that something inside me wants to get out and longer I wait faster it goes to the level of bursting. I feel like my arms, legs and mouth are in jail,  like I have to do things that everyone does just to guarantee (tried to make this word look very sarcastic) my place in society. Reading something that other people have written.. It's like wtf for me. I like it my way. I like to think, argue with myself without reading their thoughts, their opinions especially when I don't agree with them. That way society put themselves in fucking plastic frames which can be melted with any other opinion and can be changed so easily in that way.. Moreover, people don't think they're in frames, they think they're educated, fucking smart asses. But sorry, mates, smart asses were/are authors and philosophers who wrote stuff and they thought they were right. And they are right becouse they thought like that. I'd better do my things than absorb other's. I create but not building myself from other's ideologies.
Crapp I forgot what I wanted  to say. Wait, I don't even know what I want to say. I just feel and that feeling cannot be expressed in any language (so it's not becouse of my english skills, don't worry).

I'm into music now

A first song that I created. Yeah, now I'm into music. Well. I was before but not that much as now. I didn't enjoy the task I had to do during the lesson so I write an impulsive text that I could interpret it to a song. It should be performed like light stoner rock or shoegaze. Just need some melody. But it's going to be later, when I get more skills at my electric guitar.

Go outside, see nothing
Run Straight forward into sea
That brightness burns my skin.

My weightless body
Sinks in sand
Leaving everything above me

Feathers in the air
And I am one of them
Getting high as they are
Falling slow like they do

These cliffs of chalk
Are on my way again
But I'm a feather
Getting high, falling down.

Blinded of brightness
Warmth from the sand
Flying up to the sky
Disappearing in Sun

When thinking reaches the 4th demension

I remember movies about apocalypses and stuff, where is no electricity, no police, no vechicles. Absolute silence and darkness at night. Increasing level of crime and violence. Also I know what Mayans have predicted many years ago. If they were right, Earth and all the people who are alive are going to face these things. Electricity may be cut off for 3 months or so since around December 21st. Well.. If it has to be done.. Let it happen. Many of human beings have deserved to be sentenced that way becouse of their thoughts and actions. Maybe then they would realise something, that there is some other power, that their plastic world excists in other, the real World, a world of nature, other people, animals, the certainty. Also it'd be a great opportunity for other to take some rest, to learn something and get rid of addicion of computers or the Internet.
My biggest problem is that I THINK TOO MUCH.

Ocean of sand and the desert of water

Illuminated desert. Colour is so pure, surface is so soft, felling is so deep and so warm. Lying on erratic graves of love, melancholy and light. Magnifique ocean lies beside me and I'm not afraid of depth anymore, I can exlore these waters, transforming the worst nightmare to a pure dream. Flowing towards the 3rd demention with tears in the eyes which tells about that perfect warmth and sense of freedom whenever I go.

But I'm here, on the Earth, argueing with the pain and lie, trying to save my heart from piercing by sadness sword, bewaring nonsense and keeping myself close to the fire. 

Further, in woods, tight pieces of sun are watching me, forcing my eyes to look at themselves over and over again. I exhale these last spatters of smoke and enjoy sounds of a soul. It seems to be singing. Long shadows, walls made of stone will protect me. 

Just.. come here.. I am still waiting ~

New things are old things

You find something good by surprise, always, couse if you want to get some good new shit in your head you try to do that quick and anything that has a bit of goodness can easily get a part of you ( I thing this is how commercials work).

Old good things disapear, new things stay for a bit until they get old and also disapears. This is a story of my. I can't find myself. I've been looking for this for a really long time. In the past I used to think that it's impossible not to find yourself, not to understand yourself.. But here I am - standing on my own old minds, convincing myself that I was wrong. I'm on that crossroad, in the middle of a desert of Nevada and thinking which way to go - the previous one or to be something or someone on the other road, or  turn in different way that haven't been examined or tried. Live for yourself or live for someone else. My main feel of this time is shame. Shame on me and 'persons' I was before. I want to kill them. They're sick. And thanks god he gave me enough brain to understand, to stop just in time. Well, almost. 

Insanity

you wanna  move - there's no motion

you wanna smile - but there's no emotion!

you want to stand up, but lava surounds you

you want to insist, but let's just fuck this

(O. correction)

Lost here forever

Wasting time for my own sake is awesome. Feeling that carelessness and amazingness all around me.. Friends, spare time, perfect weather, music, beer and cigarettes makes a piece of paradise.

But the days when I'm lacking one of them.. Well, we can despite cigarettes becouse they're not the thing that I can't live without. Nor beer is. They just bring me some comfort. 

And I live in tomorrow. Yesterday I thought that tomorrow was the first day of summer, bet appearently it's just tomorrow, the day after another looking from yesterday. 

I don't wanna be lost here forever. And I told to myself that I wouldn't. I won't find any difficulties in leaving this place.
I need summer.. I need news from Norway.. I can't live in this lack of good news forever. Becouse here's enough of bad news. I don't think that God and fate can make fun of me that much. Or do they? I can't give up, I can change their decisions, but when I'm not an adult, I feel so weak.. And why people think that teens from 16 to 17 years old are so far from majority? It shows that they're looking not at a person, but the fucking law and god damned system. And they make us to obey.
And I want a bass guitar. So bad. I need this. Or accustic guitar first. But no, I don't want to be like these 'attractive' ones with no life nor society but guitar. I want to express myself as many ways as possible. I even started to draw, but not the things that I see in my imagination. I'm copying. But that isn't bad, I'm just getting skills.
And I forgot to say something. Yeah, a thing that really makes me free from everything (like I wasn't before :D). It's school. IT'S COMPLETELY DONE! I have only 1 year left on this thing. But this one year is going to be the best I could have ever had. That's it. Hello, Cleveland!

And along comes Mary.. mary, mary...

Hello. Goodbye. What is between them? Hellye?

That waiting, that solicitude.. Cmoon, does it need to take that long? Why..? What is happening? 
But ok. I'm getting full of patience. I'm becoming patient, yes. 
Hm.. What di I do when I wait? I do all the stuff that I had planned times ago. Here I am..

The storm was chasing and I was on a trip. It was quite wet but interesting. Not becouse of object we visited, but stuff that was happening in my head. First, I had a camera. Second, We were traveling ( I love traveling. You know.). Imagination - that was the third. Yeah, we were traveling over our country, but I was somewhere else. I was far away actually. Music and picture taking took me there, somewhere. Oh, the power of imaginaton and music.. It is so strong that I can't even. And a thing that I didn't like about the trip was people that I was traveling with. Oh well... I'd rather travel in my minds.

Save me, save me, 

From the darkest thoughts in my head

Hold me, hold me, 

Till everyone's on this Earth is dead..

Covered by blood snow is melting again

And my heart is again pierced with pain.

So me at the moment..

Die alone, die alone.. Feel no pain, becouse agony before death is too mainstream. Or simply no one will find me in my world, no one will show any interest of my surroundings, no one will ever dream about me. Heh.. I used to be the wrong persons all my time, but some people liked me. But I haven't feel myself at all. Now I do. A little, but I do. And then.. I became the most successful woman in the world. Successful.. Yes... Sure... Successful... I don't even know what success mean! So hopeless person.. Well. I have to survive. And wait for someone/something. When that something seems like that miracle, it goes somewhere else, far away from me. Cmon, feel free to run away.

Truputis ramybės - ir vėl nežinojimas kuo būt. Savimi - per daug neįdomu ir nuobodu. Kažkuo kitu - per lėkšta ir šlykštu. Vėl kamuoja nuotykių troškimai, noras pakeisti aplinką. Bent kiek. Tas pačias senas vietas galva sugeba paversti  visiškai naujas, su keliais idealais, tačiau neatmeta nepanaikina niekaip to beviltiškumo jausmo. Bad luck everywhere... Negaliu sakyti, kad ta bad luck reiškiasi visame kame. Nejaučiu, jog ji mane stalkintų all day everyday, tačiau ji niekada nepamiršta užsukti pas mane, kai aplink vyksta rimti dalykai. Ir bėda dar yra ta, kad jos neįmanoma įgnoruot.
I cannot be like others, can't even look at stupid bitches that are dressed up theirselves like barbies or flowers or stuff. I'm totally oposite. Now guess, who cares? Who notices my efforts of being different, of being me? No one. You're right. Becouse everyone is 'different', everyone is 'weird'.

17

Fellin' so wasted.. feelin' so goooodd~

This is not normal

The moon is a bit over the buildings, over the horizon. My minds are somewhere here. The boundless starry sky is above  me again. My minds are a bit further than they were before. Music, moon and sky. My minds are somewhere there~ I miss my feelings. But only one thing that can reach that string is.. words that I heard. I can't get used to them. I can't loose my hope not to be lonely. But I guess It's my fate, to be with someone I don't like. Doesn't matter how hard I could try or wait silently sitting on my butt, nothing changes. People that I like are far away.. Not even practically. No one will like me if like them. I can cry, cry again, stay calm, don't give a fuck, be myself or be someone else.. I won't be happy.
Happiness is being with people that you can talk with about same interests, being with people that won't ever turn against you or do something to hurt you. Music is also a very important part of happiness. It helps to figure out some things, brings some good ideas to solve one or another problem. But being with people, spending your spare time with them, doing  things that are as crazy as you are, sharing information that is interesting to all of you is impossible to me... Yes, my only way to happiness is music.. It's the thing that doesn't belong to anyone else, you can reach it anywhere. But when I see people who have always been by my side are now talking behind my back.. Damn, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Then I start thinking - there were a lot signs which were trying to warn me that we were no fit to each other, even if we pretended being friends. Being best friends.. Since our childhood~ But you just can't stop pretending, you are totally used to it! Becouse you were doing this since .. Since a long time ago.
I have never thought about that. Not until few months ago. I didn't care about that, but now I'm realising that I'm so lonely.. No true friends around. Only few acquaintances. One real friend is literally far away.
Okay. Texting all day, asking what is up, sharing information than connects us both, he is opposite
 sex than I am, 
he is handsome, has all the qualities that I like. 
And this person is totally inaccessible. I could try to get more his attention, but I just can't seem 
pesky and pathetic 
to anyone. EVEN WHEN I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE AT STUFF LIKE THAT! 
Sometimes I have a feeling that is some kind of curse. Becouse that 'inaccessible man' thing 
happened to my mother 
too .Hell yeah, and I want to get wasted all the time. Then I wouldn't need any real happyness, I would 
have satisfied myself easy enough. But now.. D:<

So good to be bad

Bad.. Does it mean to stand out of law or.. Stand of religion? Don't pay much attention at moral stuff or make sins? Or not giving any fucks about society?
No feelings. None of stupid things can reach that responsive string which makes you weak. What happening? Is it bad? Bad again? Some of things you believe in, makes you feel like that. Makes you strong and helps you not to be weeper. Then everything seems so easy and high, that height seems like it's on your fingertips, you can even scream. But first - you mustn't be weeper. And look from all the corners. Can't say IF possible, becouse everything is possilble, just need to desire that.
I could also say that everything is possible.. But I'd lie. Just not for me. I can want as much as I want, I can even do something to reach my goal.. You say everything is possible if you want a lot. And I know that also, but I can't live like that, I keep it just like an idea, a phrase.. I can say for others, help them with their problems if they are on their life's crossroad, but me.. I can't help for myself. I'm so hopeless.

Flame on!

I am one, one that shines

Yeah, I was born of a scorpion´s mind

I am one, so alive

Don´t try to teach me what your lips can´t decide

I´m the sun, so alive

A simple breath´s all I need to get by

Words you speak are like dirt in my mind

I´m gonna burn till all the stars die

Sup, Anarchists?

I've been searching for some thing for long time. I can't really name them, coz I don't know how. The feel, the motivation to keep on moving against the flow. And when I realised what anarchy really is, I felt that I'm a step closer to that thing which I am looking for.
Screw jerks immediately - now it's much easier. When you realise that you are the boss here, not them.
Yeah, I used to be OK with these scumbacks.. Used to ignore jerkness and other shitty things. Well.. FUCK IT! I don't care what other'd think about me or how 'unfriendly', 'uninteligent' I am. And I never did. Well.. just a little, ,but not anymore. Just no god damned more.
You motherfuckers are disguisting.

Where the hell I should spend Easter?

Btw, 80's, you'd were era of good music, be proud

Hsntorzoi, Hsntorzosi mrksil qsm dqrhrmiū.

Lonely as always and happy as never

Destroy as many as possible things witch makes you feel more away from your friend than you are right now.

They are everything you could have ever asked for... But if you have a stupid head it will fly away from you as a smoke of that stupid cigarette witch you are taking carefully one by one.

Better sit somewhere where you could feel lonely as always but happy as never and where you could get rid of these thoughts. Sit somewhere where you could freeze the time of these wonderful sunlights comming from the West. Sit somewhere where you could be happy. In your head only. Sit somewhere where your minds are not dependent on anything or anyone, where Miami's Palm Beach, New York's labyrints, Nevada's deserts, Iceland's volcanoes and Rio De Jeneiro's 'come-at-me-bro' statue belongs only to you.

That's my own medication.

Inaccessibility

you are the biggest thought in my mind

melancholiacs..

Tired of same things

Another day under black sun

changes changes everywhere

They use force to make us do what the deciders have decided you must do

Sorry, but.. 

I do what I want

And srew you if you think I'm stupid or childish

Chuck the Eagle

Finally I've got something what I have wanted for a long time

The invisible jail

Why it's so easy to fall into your dream? It's so realistic.. It makes you believe that everything is so easy and awesome, so cute and irresistible. Even when you know it's just a dream.
Need a summer, need freedom, don't need any prohibitions. And I'd be happy as hell... Dreaming would be enough, though.
As I had said some time ago, I need changes. In a good or bad way. At least I got a tattoo. That helps me!
But I dream seldom Oo

Spanking much?

Needs

My blood needs some changes

My brains needs some changes

My heart need some changes

I need plenty of changes

Hello my dears-Good bye my tears

The

FREEDOM

Is the thing

When you

Keeping calm

And do

Whatever the Fuck

You want

Being young

And wild

What ha

Hey... Why I had a dream about ya last night? That feels so strange and familiar... I wasn't free to talk to you but you were more humanish. And a day after that the feelings are the same as they were in the dream. Long and exhausting dream. There was like some kind of competition between some girls but you were such a big secret for me. I did know nothing about you, only the fact about your existance and some poppy seeds in the cigarettes (?). But when I woke up in the middle of the dream, I decided to keep going on the dream. And I did. That was so weird...

Some of things will never get old

The big hard invention

Today I realised that.. I'm hardly lonely. Yes, I haven't known that since present.
Well, congratulations me!

Lonely as water drop in the desert, as explorer in the fourth dimention, as brain cell in blonde's head, as heart in human's body, as song on the skyscraper rooftop in the middle of the night...

And I'm not just writing! I mean it... And that sucks a lot.

Good Morning, New Year

I've decided: This year is being better