Random is not that random. Mess is not a mess if it has a meaning

I really like having everything organized. It kills me a little bit when good stuff that I care about is not in a right order. This blog is a mess. Here are a lot of dark thoughts from the early beginning of thinking and that broken English. Why do I write stuff in this language? Firstly, I consider it being kind of a challenge or even training hence it's a part where I keep going further towards education and perfection. Secondly, sometimes I rather find better English words to express what I really want to say. And well.. Lithuanian I use for making art. Norwegian is my ''working'' language that is used for daily chats not going anywhere deeper. But English. I keep catching myself forgetting structures, idioms or even words. Especially it happens when I'm talking to this one person.

I know I could do better talking with him. But my brain simply keeps lagging. And I know that it is only psychological, my subconscious is playing annoying little games with me from time to time. I'm trying to fight against that babbling but it just makes it worse. I am in a total peace when we are not talking but it seems that I have so much to say. Might it be that my soul actually recognizes that frequency and enjoys flawless communication shutting down all the unnecessary noises coming from the mouth that tries to follow the relationship rules and considers the silence between two people being awkward or so dangerous that it might even kill?

This man has so much to say. I have so much time to listen.
I would love to give a lot. But not sure if he needs it yet.

Whatever happens, it will always turn out to be in my favor. Either our souls keep talking with each other or the restless mind kills this relationship. It will make me stronger anyways. Even the feeling that I am experiencing being with him encourages me to go forward knowing that such thing exists. This feeling encourages me to look, explore, wait and be patient. One soul takes care of another and smooths the rough surface of insecurity and self-doubt.


I really like how random my thoughts go through the web of possibilities. It certainly helps me to come up to some conclusions. Sometimes I even make me some closures. Always have to write everything in a positive way, though. The power of the mind is incredible and it keeps increasing while analysed and expressed further.